Photo credits: Stefan Keller
Edited by Vaishali
Title: Of Ash and Angels.
Author: K.C. Decker. Genre/Themes: Erotic Romance, Adult Fiction, Grief, Bereavement, Mental Health, Recovery. Publisher: Camden Publishing. Year of Publication: 2019. Format: E-book kindle app. Review
If this book contemplates anything of deliberate meaning, it’s that everyone is susceptible to tragedy and poignant loss. That men grieve too, that men are allowed to grieve too. Justin’s well of sadness is soul-deep and all I could do was sob when he did, ache when he did and fester in his pain whenever he was unreachable through his devastation. With this story, we're drawn into the mores of men's mental health; a taboo facet that is seldom approached in our world. There’s this very primitive, regressive belief that masculinity encompasses ‘strength’, ‘control’ ‘no pain, no fear, no sadness’. A campaign that declares no space for weakness or vulnerability so long as you have identify as a member of the male race. That ‘manning up’ is a true sign of a man. Because of these circulating, destructive modes of thought, suppression becomes an ultimate consequence.
What I loved about this book? It douses that corrosive idea as it presents a male lead who openly grieves. It then pours lighter fluid on that ideal as Justin openly expresses his pain through episodes bereavement. It accordingly sets light to this notion as this deeply feeling man expresses his frequent use of therapy. And lastly, but of course with the stroke of a well-aimed maneuver, watches this misleading notion burn to grains of ash in Justin’s receptiveness to recuperation and vulnerability in sharing his pain with Norah so she can help him get there. A helping hand is enough of a start, never a weakness.
Right from the start we’re left to question Justin’s situation; why he’s homebound, why he needs the ‘Hand to Heart’ service and why he’s so completely resigned to the entropy and fatalism that has become his world. It’s the type of grief that’s soul-deep and mournful. He’s able-bodied, he’s fit, he’s healthy, he’s capable of lone living, but the illusion in that is his pain is the type of corrosive suffering that can’t be seen. It’s the invisible fights that are arguably the hardest to overcome, the twist being Justin’s iron-willed obstinacy in staying and festering in this mode of suffering because he doesn’t want to overcome it; he doesn’t believe he can (at least, to begin with).
His grief is monumental and he’s firmly melded within the grains of it.
He’s trapped in a chronic cycle of desperate despair. His world has made a home in his mentality because a thus far three-year loss caused a stratosphere ripple. He’s so highy-feeling and engaged within his own grief that I was taken aback by the open level of reflection through his narrative. The reason for that being, it’s not often that I’ll read the very masculine type of lead to render themselves this way. It's something I can really appreciate. His grief has written his life in stone. It’s why he has resigned himself to a life behind closed doors.
When you’ve been through the kind of tragedy that Justin has, it almost becomes inevitable to hide that pain through a pathological form of suppression. At least, that’s what many male characters have a tendency of doing. What I love about Justin is his honesty. He knew that he eventually wanted to share his affliction with Norah and he had no intention of hiding it, even with the potential of losing her hanging over his head. It’s almost like he was just waiting for someone like Norah to give him that enabling willingness so he didn’t have to hide. Justin is brave, but what made him brave most of all was his consent to express, even though it was hard.
Norah had become his motivation because he wanted a life with her and he knew that the possibility of life did exist outside of his fear and somesthesia. It could be said that his recovery was contingent on Norah pushing him outside of his comfort zone, being the driver of his recovery, and while it did start that way, Justin wouldn’t have made progress if he didn’t want to rehabilitate himself. He soon takes the reins, but what’s most important is that a motivator, any motivator is necessary in making the first few steps. I don’t think it takes away the independence of the willing to rely on or lean on any aid if they really need it, so long as the willingness is there.
S O M E - C O N C E R N S - W I T H - T H E - S T O R Y…
While this story is abundant in emotional depth, courtesy of Justin, it did have some discrepancies that I want to get into….
This story has depth in spades, but I think it capsizes on breadth.
Let’s start with Norah. At the start of the book she reflects on her demanding and draining ex, a relationship she was an enabler to and participant in. After a this breakup and being sacked from her job, she’s a bit aimless, finding it laboursome to get her horse trotting again. That’s as far as Norah’s depth and arc reaches as her own character because this thread is never picked up again.
In fact, I couldn’t get a strong read on her. It’s because of this neglect of both depth and breadth with Norah that her character feels secondary to Justin’s; her life seems to stop when he enters it as she becomes impelled to garner his attention when her own life needs some attention, which doesn’t seem to bother her so long as Justin is on her mind. She seems to only be motivated by him, not having a life outside of him, or at least if she does, it’s most likely happening off-page. This bothered me because Norah seemed to exist to accelerate Justin's plot progression for the most part. She didn’t have much of a back story either.
We almost only really know her In relation to Justin. But who is Norah? What does she like? What are her fears? Does she have siblings? What her own hang-ups? Apparently the ‘getting to know you' portion happens on-page rather than off.
The point of a dual POV is to glean access to both protagonist’s lives. We do have a double perspective in this story, which I actually think is necessary to curb the weight of Justin’s half of the story by paving another path that doesn’t channel his circumstance. The problem is that the story is more Justin-heavy than Norah-heavy. Justin’s POV reigns in first place, understandable, but there is little point in introducing Norah’s POV if she doesn’t have enough to offer the story, or at the very least to give narrative a bigger stretch. I don’t understand to what point her POV would have been relevant because it doesn’t contribute to an evolving landscape. She’s there to take part in a romance and give Justin a reason to get his life together. But she should be more than just an object to accomplish something.
On the mention of Norah’s arc, we also have some relationship drama in the form of Justin’s ex making a reappearance, but I don’t think that was the best way to go. If anyone’s ex should have made a full circle reappearance, I think it should have been Norah’s because her arc would have had the opportunity to expand. Her side of the story to expand. Perhaps have her share her own inhibitions with Justin as well as an opening to find some investments in her life and character.
Because Justin is embroiled in his own anguish, it’s not possible for him to feel or even take on anyone else’s pain, he can’t afford to be sensitive or vulnerable in that way when his own emotions are barely manageable. My concern here is Norah. I couldn’t help but be concerned about his own ability to be there emotionally for Norah should she need it. Will he ever be able to be in a position to support Norah whenever she might need to rely on him? It’s these kind of discrepancies that were missing in this story.
F I N A L - T H O U G H T S
‘Of Ash and Angels’ is a slow-burn promise of a painful and heartfelt labour of surrender and return. A sensitive novel that both commits to an erotic romance and the delivery that landscapes an emotionally charged recovery. This story does indeed take its sweet time to unravel and that’s because there is a complex story trying to be told here while we wait on Justin to tell us about his pain in his own time. Justin isn’t so much as an enigma as a man utterly possessed by his grief. He’s a hero that exhibits emotional depth and emotional reflection in this story that’s an emphatic pursuit of one man’s iron-fisted grief and his subsequent, successive recovery from the disabling force of that soul-deep sorrow.
K.C. Decker toils with the depictions of love’s catharsis, of painful purgatory, seeking life in all the lost places of surrender and looking at life with the eyes of second chance. This story closely examines an abstinence from life and, with a considerate hand, a second chance at it. The expressions of grief touched my gut because they were palpable. Loss is indeed a trauma. Recovery, catharsis, trauma and emotional intensity are parceled in this examination of one man’s ruthless grief in this emotionally suffused story. It’s Justin’s affliction that sits center stage, and thus it’s ultimately cultivated toward his recovery and rehabilitation. Because both fear and anxiety are large parts of my life I found this a very relatable story. At the 50% mark onwards you'll need some tissues on stand-by! I gave this book 4 stars -
Trigger Warning: A fair amount of erotic content and multiple sex scenes. Mental health is also a prominent topic here, with mentions and expressions of OCD, agoraphobia, anxiety, grief and panic attacks.
I don’t typically write up playlists for my reviews, but there were two songs that popped into my head while reading!
P L A Y L I S T: ‘Ghost’ by Ella Henderson ‘Yours’ by Ella Henderson
I love interacting with fellow readers, reviewers and writers. Hearing about reader opinion is the fuel to my reader appetite so get in touch and comment below!
--------------------------------------- M Y R A T I N G S Y S T E M: ★ - 1 star: I did not like the book ★★ - 2 stars: The book was okay ★★★ - 3 stars: It was a good, solid read ★★★★ - 4 stars: A great book ★★★★★ - 5: A phenomenal read --------------------------------------- SHARE ON FACEBOOK L E A V E A C O M M E N T A N D L E T' S T A L K A B O U T
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